Nothing is personal
To have a stress-free life, stop taking things personally
Jupe, the charismatic nobody
I met Jupe on one of my travels in Africa and briefly became friends with him. There was nothing special about him: He was not particularly strong or attractive-looking. He did not look well-dressed, well-educated, or well-to-do. Yet there was an air of calm about him, and I noticed people liked to be around him. I was curious to find out what made him special when he didn’t seem to stand out in any way. So, when we went on a bike ride one day, I said,
“People seem to like you.”
“Yes, I think so,” he said matter-of-factly, with no false sense of modesty.
“Do you know why?”
“ I think so. It is because I take nothing personally.”
“What do you mean?”
“People are constantly offended by what happens to them or what others say. I don’t. You can insult me or abuse me. I won’t take it personally or insult or abuse you back.”
“How can you do that?”
“Because I assume that someone insulting me or abusing me does so because of who they are, not because of who I am. So, I don’t take offence. I don’t feel guilty if my kids aren’t as smart as the other kids. I assume the world is the way it is, and nothing is specifically directed at me unless I choose to take it personally.”
“Nothing is personal to you?”
“No. Nothing. I don’t have a sense of self-importance. When you don’t have self-importance, nothing is personal to you. That’s what makes me feel relaxed. That’s why I think people are comfortable around me.”
“What if someone called you stupid? Wouldn’t you be offended?”
“Why should I be? Either I am stupid, or I am not. If I am not stupid, why should I care what someone else thinks I am? If I am stupid, why should I be offended if someone else found it out? Either way, there’s nothing for me here to take personally.”
I never saw Jupe afterward, but our last conversation left an impression on me. Looking back, I think he was a wise fellow who taught me a few things. But it was years later that I saw the connection between his words and those of the Stoics, although they expressed them differently. Here’s how the Stoics put it.
1. Take nothing personally
The world is a series of causes and effects that have nothing to do with us directly.
Some of these events may favour you. For example, the stock market may go up, and you may make a lot of money. The company you work for may make huge profits, and you may get a good bonus. You may take credit for being a great investor and being a part of a successful company. You have no direct role in these things but take credit for them anyway.
Some of these events may cause you problems. For example, changes in pressure and other related events in the atmosphere may lead to a thunderstorm. You may treat it as a problem when you are caught in it. Someone who is a desperate addict may hold you up as a result of his addiction. You take it personally. An incompetent cashier at the checkout counter may delay you. You take it personally. But she is delaying you because she is incompetent, and she has nothing against you. Someone is abusive you. You take it personally. Whenever you face a challenge that is not your making, you tend to take it personally:
You wonder, “Why me?”
You complain, “It’s not fair.”
You feel angry, “ What’s wrong with the world?
You feel sorry for yourself, “I always get the wrong end of the stick.”
Yet what is happening is not personal. You are caught in a web of causes and effects that have nothing to do with you. It is like being caught in a trap not set for you but for an animal. Your leg just happened to get caught in it. There is no point in taking it personally.
When you are caught in a thunderstorm, it is not personal. It does not happen to make you miserable. When someone holds you up, it is not personal. If it is not you, it would be someone else. When the cashier delays you, it is not personal. Their incompetence is not directed just towards you. When someone is abusive to you, it is not personal. It’s how the other person is made. Nothing that ever happens to you is personal.
What happens when you take it personally? You become a fault-finding person. You assign blame to neutral sources. You become bitter. When you moan about your problems and go looking for the villains who are responsible, you don’t look for solutions. You are stuck with the problem. Taking it personally only makes us more miserable.
Your illness is not personal. Your job loss is not personal. Your children’s behaviour is not personal. What others say about you is not personal. Even when someone insults you it is not personal. Everything you normally think of as personal is not personal.
So, the first step in facing life’s challenges is not to take personally anything that happens to you. Nothing is personal. Things happen as they happen, and you are on the receiving end.
When someone behaves badly towards you, remind yourself that they act from their own perspective of what is right. It’s not about you. - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.29
What if you have difficulty believing it? What if you are convinced that many things are personal? Even so, you will be more effective if you don’t take them personally. Why? Because when you take things personally and want to avenge them, you harm yourself twice. First, by what happened, then by your trying to avenge it.
One who seeks revenge for a wrong has allowed the injury to master them twice: first by the wrong done, and then by the response. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 78
So, don’t take anything personally because nothing that happens to us is personal. Even if you are convinced something is personal, your life will work better if you don’t treat it as personal.
2. Don’t try to defend yourself
Because nothing that happens is personal, you don’t have to defend yourself. Defending yourself gives credence to whatever you are defending yourself against. But if you ignore it, there is nothing more to be said about it.
If someone tried to harm a stone by abusing it, what would the stone do? If, then, someone insults you, consider that you are just like the stone. - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.25
What can the other person do when you have nothing to say about their insult or abuse? Only when you try to defend yourself is the other person encouraged to double down. Why should you try to defend yourself when there is nothing to defend yourself against?
3. Lose the sense of self-importance
We take things personally because we feel self-important. We go through life with a sense of self-importance and are offended if someone challenges it. We cannot tolerate someone thinking less of us. So, our first reaction is to defend ourselves. But there is another way, which is a lot more effective. Instead of defending yourself, agree with the other person. That will effectively end the exchange.
If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer: ‘He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these. - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 33
The sting disappears if you agree with someone who insults or abuses you. When you have no sense of self-importance, nothing can be taken personally. You don’t have to worry about anyone damaging it. No one can burst your bubble because your sense of self-importance creates no bubble.
Takeaways
We are constantly offended and upset because we take things personally. Once we stop taking things personally, we will be less upset and less stressed.
Take nothing personally.
Don’t try to defend yourself.
Lose the sense of self-importance.
Try this simple exercise
Think of a few situations in which you were offended by what someone said or did. Ask yourself these questions about each one of those situations:
Did you take it personally? If so, why? What would have happened if you hadn’t taken it personally?
If you had tried to defend yourself, what would have happened?
How would the situation have turned out if you had agreed with the other person instead of defending yourself (even to yourself)?
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF STOICISM—AND NOT TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Become a paid member to get the most out of Stoic ideas such as the above. What do you get when you become a paid member? In addition to what you receive now, you will also receive:
Every weekday: Prokopton Daily.A specially written email containing thoughts for the day and an action plan.
Every Saturday: Prokopton Letter: Blog dealing with our everyday life.
Every Sunday: Prokopton Monthly: Lesson for the month, Exercise for the Month, and special articles spread over four Sundays.
Here is a sneak peek at what we’ll be discussing next week in our daily emails for paid subscribers:
Monday: In death, we are all the same
Tuesday: We embrace bad things rather than good
Wednesday: What is hard is not impossible
Thursday: Be tolerant of those who cannot understand
Friday: Don’t postpone living
I look forward to welcoming you!
Stoic practice has the power to change your life.
If you are not yet a part of the prokopton community, please consider becoming a paid member.
It may be one of the best decisions of your life.
110125
What about the value of one's reputation? If someone tells your neighbours you are a thief, for example, how can you not take that personally?