You don't need their approval
Four ways to get free of other people's opinion
We crave approval
Are we worried about whether others will approve of us? “Of course not!”, we may protest. But a moment’s reflection will tell us how much of what we want in life – the car we want to drive, the house we want to live in, the neighbourhood we want to move into, the reputation we wish to achieve, and a hundred other things – is influenced by our need to be approved by others. Think about people buying new clothes when they go on a vacation. They are trying to seek the approval of those whom they have never met and those they will never meet again. Ridiculous as this may sound, sometimes we are more concerned about being respected by people we don’t even respect. It is comical that we want the approval of even those we despise – sometimes, especially those we despise!
Who are these people that you want to be admired by? Aren’t they the same ones whom you used to call crazy? Well, then, do you want to be admired by madmen? - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.21.4
Yet, it is not a harmless pursuit. A vast part of our anxiety can be traced back to our preoccupation with what others think. Such is the need for the approval of others.
You may ask what’s wrong with seeking the approval of others. We live in a society, and isn’t it better to be approved rather than be disapproved by others? Shouldn’t we seek the approval of our teachers, parents, and others who try to guide us on the right path? Yes, there is nothing wrong with seeking someone’s approval if you think that they are leading you to excellence. But mostly, we seek approval of our behaviour that has nothing to do with excellence. It’s just someone else’s opinion. Their opinion is no more valid than yours.
Seeking approval makes us sheep-like
When we seek approval, we want to be like everyone else. We accept untested advice. But following the masses will not lead us to a principled and happy life.
Nothing gets us into greater trouble than our belief in untested advice; our habit of thinking that what others think as good must be good; believing counterfeits as being truly good; and living our life not by reason, but by imitating others. - Seneca, On Happiness, 1
So, what can we do?
Whenever we are bothered by what others think, we can remind ourselves of the Stoic principles and ask ourselves a few questions:
Do we want to do what we believe to be right or what some else thinks we should do?
When we are doing the right thing, why should other people’s opinions matter?
Are we sure that other people are so wise that we should follow them?
Who lives with the consequences of our actions – us or others?
Most likely, we will notice that we seek the approval of others mostly because of our anxiety, and what we need to do is to live the way we believe to be right and ignore public opinion. And remember the words of Marcus Aurelius:
Don’t waste the rest of your life worrying about others – unless it is for some mutual benefit. The time you spend wondering what so-and-so is doing, saying, thinking, or plotting is the time that’s lost for some other task. – Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 3.4
Here are four specific suggestions to help you avoid seeking other people’s approval rather than walking your own path:
1. Seek freedom rather than seek approval
We can realize enormous freedom right now by doing just one thing – by not worrying about what others think of us. Just by ignoring what others think, we will gain more time and be more tranquil. To achieve the good life, what we need to do is to conform to what is virtuous and not to what others think.
If you do not worry about what others think, say, or do, but only about whether your actions are just and godly, you will gain time and tranquillity. […] Run straight towards your goal without looking left or right. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.18
When your actions are guided by your principles, you don’t even have to care if others think what you do is shameful or miserable.
[The Stoic sage] pays no attention to what others consider shameful or miserable. He does not walk with the crowd. - Seneca, On the Firmness of the Wise Man, 14,3–4
2. Seek to do the right thing rather than seek approval
What others approve of may not be the right thing to do. As Epicurus said,
“What I know, they do not approve. What they approve, I do not know.” (Epicurus) - Seneca, Moral Letters, 29
What is the payoff for walking the road all by yourself, whether anyone else joins you or not?
3. Seek wisdom rather than seek approval
We all like other people’s approval. We would rather be applauded than derided. And yet it should not drive what we do. When we set approval-seeking as the goal, the possibilities of a virtue-based life diminish.
Are we going to do what is wise or what others approve of?
Are we going to do what is just or what others approve of?
Are we going to do what is moderate or what others approve of?
Are we going to do what is courageous or what others approve of?
As long as we have a life guided by principles (such as Stoicism), seeking approval can only damage the principles and curtail our freedom to act. We will be sacrificing ourselves and our principles for the sake of approval and the unstable opinions of other people. We even care about what a stranger or even someone we don’t respect might think of us.
How foolish one must be to leave a lecture hall gratified by the applause of the ignorant! Why do you take pleasure in praise from those you cannot praise yourself? - Seneca, Moral Letters, 52
4. Seek to do your best rather than seek approval
The need for approval also makes us susceptible to flattery. Others can manipulate us by shaping our behaviour to their liking by approving or disapproving our behaviour. As others manipulate us, we gradually move away from principles that guide our lives in the right direction. A Stoic does what is virtuous, whether it brings flattery or disapproval.
As long as you control your desires and aversions, there is nothing to worry about. This is your opening statement, your case, and your proof. This is your last word and your acquittal. - Epictetus, Discourses 2.2
As Abraham Lincoln observed when asked about other people’s criticism,
I do the very best I know how – the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out alright, what is said against me won’t amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference. - Abraham Lincoln (Fred G. Carpenter, Six Months with Lincoln in the White House)
PRACTICING STOICISM
The ancient Stoics offered simple and effective solutions to everyday problems. And yet, just knowing the basics will not get you far. Neither will random reading of Stoic literature. To achieve happiness and freedom, you must consistently commit yourself to practicing Stoicism. Every day. Practice is key. Musicians do it. Athletes do it. No excellence can be achieved without practice. We are here to help you all the way. So, fellow Prokoptons, we are glad you joined us by committing to practicing Stoicism daily! Watch your mailbox for more instructions in the coming days!
If you are not yet a part of the prokopton community, please consider joining us. It may be one of the best decisions of your life.
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Needed to hear this today, thank you.
People seek approval to the point of not being able to be friends with anyone who holds different political opinions, for e.g. Sad!