On being kind

Being kind the Stoic way

Acts of kindness and reciprocity

When we are good to someone, we expect them to be good to us. When we help someone in need, we expect them to help us when we need help. You scratch my back, and I scratch yours. You invite me to your party, and I invite you to mine. You lend me your tools, and I lend you my lawn mower. This principle of reciprocity is so ingrained in our culture that we can see it everywhere.

How deep-rooted is the idea of reciprocity, which forms the basis of gratitude? A few years ago, a psychology professor decided to send Christmas cards to perfect strangers. To his great surprise (or maybe not), many who received the card responded by sending him a card back, although they had no idea who he was.

And yet, you may have encountered people who don’t think that they need to reciprocate. You went out of your way to help someone several times, and now you need a minor favour from them, and they come up with flimsy excuses not to do it. You can’t believe it. This person, who accepted your help several times, is now a stranger to you. You were kind to them at the time of their need, and this is how they repay you. You feel cheated and taken advantage of. How can they do this? All your friends share your outrage about such ingratitude. They amplify your outrage with choice epithets like ‘taker,’ ‘deadbeat,’ ‘flunky,’ or ‘freeloader.’ Some people are so frustrated by a lack of reciprocity that they feel it is futile to be kind.

How do we deal with people who take our kindness for granted? Maybe we should tell them what we did for them, remind them indirectly, stop being kind to others in the future, and tell others about this.

After you have gone through all such responses mentally, you wonder what would be the best response to such a situation. What would a Stoic do?

Start with yourself: Were you really kind?

The best place to start is not with the other person but with yourself. Why did you do favours for the other person? Why were you kind to them? Is it because you wanted to be kind, or were you expecting something in return? If you were ‘kind’ expecting something in return, you were not kind at all. You were in a business transaction that didn’t work well for you. Real kindness does not expect anything in return.

There is no grace in a benefit that sticks to the fingers. - Seneca, On Benefits, 2.1

Or, as Epictetus put it,

One who performs a benefit should never remember it. - Epictetus, Fragments, 40

A truly kind person is kind for the sake of being kind. Being kind for some future benefit is a form of business transaction. It is not kindness. When it is not a business transaction, the question, “What’s in it for me?” is meaningless. When you feel that some corresponding benefit should come your way, your acts can no longer be considered kind.

What about the other person?

Even those who are genuinely kind are sometimes bothered by other people’s indifference when they are in need. Remember, just as kindness is something you chose, the other person chose ungratefulness. You cannot really know other people’s motives or control other people’s behaviour. You only have control over what you think and do, not what anyone else thinks or does.

You have done a good deed, and someone benefited from it. Why are you, like an idiot, holding out for more—such as applause for your kindness, or some favour in return? - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.73

You are kind because that is what you choose to be. What the other person chooses to be is their business. Cutting people out who don’t reciprocate your kindness makes your world smaller, and your motives suspect.

No purpose is served when we wonder why someone is the way they are. We don’t wonder why mosquitoes are small, and elephants are big. Why should we wonder if some people don’t appreciate the benefits they receive? It’s the way they are, and it’s none of your concern.

Should you stop being kind?

Another common response to such behaviour is to cut that person out of your life. You may say, “OK, I don’t care if I got anything from my past kindness to this person. But I don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.”

This is another way of saying that you would confine your acts of kindness only to those you expect to be kind to you. It also shrinks your world. Kindness is like sunshine. The sun does not shine on you because you are a good person or did something to benefit the sun. It shines on you because it is its nature. If you hate the sun, it will still not hold back its light from you.

If one were compelled to drop everything that caused trouble, life would soon grow dull amid sluggish idleness. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 81

We must realize that only what we do counts when we do something to benefit others. How others receive it doesn’t concern us.

As long as you work for the benefit of others, your life is complete. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 10.5

Being kind: A simple exercise

One way to practice true kindness without expecting any reward is to work with situations in which rewarding you for your acts of kindness is impossible. Here is how it works:

Do at least one act of kindness each day.
The only condition is, if someone finds out about it, the act doesn’t count.

By practicing this regularly, you will be kind for the joy of being kind.

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