Not taking offence
Most offences won't exist if we don't create them
The perils of taking offence
Recently, a public personality expressed his somewhat unpopular views on a controversial topic. They were his views. He meant no harm and carried no disrespect to those whose views were different. One may not agree with them, but they harmed no one. If you have different views, nothing would stop you from expressing them like he did his. Yet, increasingly, that is not what people do. In this particular case, expressing his views resulted in:
Social media campaigns demanding boycotts.
Petitions calling for his removal from his profession.
Public shaming and character assassination.
All these sullied his reputation and resulted in unnecessary and abusive comments back and forth, damaging his livelihood.
A moment’s rational thought would tell us all this is unnecessary and does not do anyone any good. But we are too busy taking offence at every minor slight, difference of opinion, and perceived insult to take note of the consequences of our actions.
If a public speaker has views that we don’t agree with, we want to cancel their speaking engagements. We don’t want to listen to them. Not just that, we want to make sure others can’t listen to them either. If we disagree with the contents of a book, we want to remove it from the library and maybe ban its sale, so no one’s mind is polluted by reading ideas we don’t agree with.
We think we have gained something by taking offence and acting on it and damaging others with different views. But, looking around, we will notice that happy and respected people are not offended quickly. They are easy to be around and often fun to be with. Conversely, people who are easily offended are difficult to be with unless they are offended by the same things that offend us.
1. An offence exists because we believe it does
Two people are crossing the road—someone talking on his phone bumps into them. One yells at the person and continues to be upset. The other person shrugs it off, saying, “People are careless these days,” and gets on with what he needs to do next. Both had the same experience, yet one person upset himself as well as the person who bumped into him, and the other person did neither. There are exceptions, but an offence usually exists only because we choose to take offence. You will also find it is not much fun to be around people who take offence at many things.
When we think that someone has offended you, your affected part—such as your pride or your sense of self-importance—may scream and take offence. But you don’t have to. No one can force you to, either.
If something happens, the affected parts of me may complain, if they like. But, if I don’t interpret it as bad or evil, I am not harmed. No one compels me to do so. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.14
Most offences won’t exist if we don’t take offence. As the offence ceases to exist, so will our outrage and agitation.
2. Offences are often unintentional
We take offence commonly because we take everything that happens to us personally. We don’t see the person that just bumped into us as too involved in his phone conversation and careless; we see him as not respecting us. We don’t see a person who ignores us as being preoccupied with something else; we see them as insulting us. This relentless way of interpreting everything that happens to us personally creates a world full of offensive people.
All this is unnecessary. Taking offence only lowers the quality of our lives. Soon we will be no more. Why spend the little time we have taking offence at things that are not even meant to be offensive? Why escalate acts of ignorance into acts of offence?
Their ignorance is not intentional. In a short while, neither of you will be alive. Most importantly, you are not harmed. They haven’t weakened your master faculty, Reason. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 7.22
Our supreme faculty is Reason. Reason is untouched by any offence. When your supreme faculty is intact, why should you make yourself unhappy by imagining that you are hurt in some way?
3. Offences do not weaken us
We react strongly to other people’s perceived offences because we see them as threats to our self-esteem. We believe we will be seen as weak if we don’t react immediately.
We feel strong when we react vigorously.
But, others’ offences, even when they are so intended, cannot weaken us. We can only be weakened by our thoughts and actions and not by the thoughts and actions of others. We are the source of our strengths and weaknesses. It does not weaken us if we choose not to take offence at something others consider offensive. Not reacting to others and taking offence makes us strong because we are not buffeted by what others do. Once we realize that no one else can weaken us and that we can be weakened only by our thoughts and actions, we can cease to be insecure about other people’s behaviour that we find offensive.
Who then is invincible? The one who cannot be upset by anything outside their reasoned choice. - Epictetus, The Golden Sayings
Cleanthes of Assos, the second head of Stoicism, faced ridicule and mockery from his peers, who questioned his intellect and mocked his humble origins. Yet, Cleanthes remained undeterred, responding to offensive comments with humility and grace. He embraced his detractors' jibes, recognizing that true strength lay not in avoiding the offensive behaviour of others but in enduring it with dignity and resilience.
4. Not taking offence is our best defence
When we are in the grip of emotions, our judgments become warped. We distort reality and convince ourselves that what is not good is good for us. For example, when we are in the grip of anger, we believe that expressing it is the best way to make the other person realize their mistake. Often, this is not what happens. When we express our anger, the person may become defensive or double down—the exact opposite of the desired results.
The same is true of taking offence. We believe that we correct the perceived injustice or insult by taking offence. However, the person holding a different view is often neither unjust nor insulting. They have different views, which seem insulting or unjust to us.
Taking offence damages us more than it damages others. Not taking offence is our best defence.
“Our defences must be arranged within: if that part is safe, a person can be assailed but never captured. Do you want to know what those defences are? Taking no offence at anything that happens …” — Seneca, Moral Letters, 74
Our focus should be on being governed by our rational mind. As long as that is protected, others may offend us but cannot harm us. When we don’t take offence, we have nothing to defend ourselves against.
Takeaways
We are quick to take offence. This harms us more than it harms the offender. To avoid taking offence:
An offence ceases to exist if you choose not to treat it as one.
Offences are mostly unintentional and not personal.
Offences do not weaken us because what others do cannot harm us.
Choosing not to take offence is the best way to defend ourselves.
Try this simple exercise
Recall someone who is quick to take offence. Would you consider them mentally strong?
Recall someone who does not take offence. Would you consider them mentally weak?
Between the two, who would you like to spend more time with?
Recall a situation in which you took offence. How did you feel? Now imagine that you did not take offence in that situation. How would you have felt? How would it have turned out?
Recall one or two more situations and repeat [4].
THE POWER TO CHANGE
“Congrats on creating something that will make the world a better place!”
Sharon Lebell, Best-selling author of The Art of Living
To be published on June 3, 2025. Pre-order now! https://amzn.to/4k1pzxW
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF STOICISM—AND CHOOSE NOT TO TAKE OFFENCE
Become a paid member to get the most out of Stoic ideas such as the above. What do you get when you become a paid member? In addition to what you receive now, you will also receive:
Every weekday: Prokopton Daily.A specially written email containing thoughts for the day and an action plan.
Every Saturday: Prokopton Letter: Blog dealing with our everyday life.
Every Sunday: Prokopton Monthly: Lesson for the month, Exercise for the Month, and special articles spread over four Sundays.
Here is a sneak peek at what we’ll be discussing next week in our weekday emails for paid subscribers:
Monday: Death is not scary
Tuesday: Actions Activator (Exercise of the Month)
Wednesday: When to be cautious, when to be confident
Thursday: Your opinions drive your behaviour
Friday: Be diligent in your pursuit
I look forward to welcoming you!
Stoic practice has the power to change your life.
If you are not yet a part of the prokopton community, please consider becoming a paid member.
It may be one of the best decisions of your life.
290325
Another great article! A wonderful reminder that our minds can be our greatest ally or our worst enemy.
Important points!