Why do we feel offended?
What offends people these days? Almost everything, it seems.
Someone cuts us off, we are offended.
Someone ignores us, we are offended.
Someone cracks a joke at our expense, we are offended.
Someone bumps into us, we are offended.
It doesn’t even need to involve us directly. If someone does something we don’t like or if something does not meet our expectations, we are offended.
Someone wears skimpy clothes, we are offended.
Someone has different political beliefs, we are offended.
Someone has different religious beliefs, we are offended.
Our coffee is cold, we are offended.
Someone refuses to help the poor even though they can afford it, we are offended.
Fuelling false outrage is a lucrative business. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. There is no shortage of TV and radio personalities, social media influencers, and blog writers who manufacture reasons for us to be offended by things that have never offended us before. The more offended we are, the more we listen to them. The more we listen to them, the more money they make.
If we have so many things to be offended by, no wonder we feel weary and bruised by the end of the day. While we don the mantle of victimhood, the person who offended us is probably unaware of our misery and having a good time.
Yet we also know people who hardly take offence at anything and go about their business cheerfully. If you point out the offence they were subjected to, they probably will give you a blank stare and steer you into something more upbeat.
What is their secret?
The Emperor’s nine
Emperor Marcus Aurelius, prone to anger quickly, thought through this problem and devised nine ways to handle those we think have offended us (Meditations, 8.18). Depending on the situation, you may want to look at it from one or more of these points of view to keep your cool when you face something that offends you.
1. We know better
Higher animals feed on lower animals. Being at the top of the hierarchy, human beings are different. We know better, and we are made for each other. So when you are offended the next time, think about your role as a human being. We are each other’s protectors and should be in harmony, not conflict.
Isn’t it more pleasant not to take offence and get on with your life?
2. The offender doesn’t know any better
The person who offended you is by nature so. If you observe them, you’ll see that they exhibit this type of behaviour, whether sitting at a dinner table or lying in bed. They are opinionated and arrogant and will act this way no matter who they deal with. They act the way they do, not because of you but because of their nature.
If it is them and not you, why take offence?
3. You may be mistaken
Your partner says that you are insensitive, and it offends you. You think that your partner is wrong or being unfair. What if they are right? So consider whether the other person may be right and you are not. If they are right, you should be thanking them and not be offended by them. Maybe it is you who is wrong.
Why be offended when the other person is telling the truth?
4. You have offended others in past
If you are honest with yourself, you’ll see you have offended others in the past. We all offend others, sometimes deliberately but often without meaning to. Remember the times when you wanted to offend others and held back only because you were afraid of repercussions?
Why take offence at others behaving just as you do at times?
5. You don’t know their motives
We are too quick to take offence and take things personally. The person who cut you off may have swerved to avoid an accident. The person who almost bumped into you may be in a rush to see their friend admitted to a hospital. Your boss, who pointed out your mistake, may have done so because she wants you to succeed.
Why take offence at an action whose aim is not to offend you at all?
6. Life is too short to spend on grievance
Our lives will be over altogether too soon. You must decide whether to spend yours in anger, impatience, or good cheer.
Why spend the precious little time we are given on this earth being offended rather than letting go?
7. You are offended only by your thoughts
We spend much time reviewing the offence that someone inflicted on us. We replay, exaggerate, and colourize the offence. All this is happening in our minds. We are writing the script and directing the movie. We are offended by our portrayal of the offence rather than by what happened.
Why take offence when it is in your power not to?
8. You are adding fuel to the fire
Someone insults you. That may be bad. But when you get angry and upset, you are feeding your suffering. This feeding of anger and upset creates more suffering than the insult itself. You are adding fuel to the fire.
Why add to your suffering when you don’t have to?
9. Why not try kindness?
You can choose to be kind even to the most abusive person in the world. If your kindness is genuine, it will diffuse the offence. If they are not challenged, the offender might even be willing to listen to you. Then you can explain your point of view to them. In any case, it will make you less agitated and more rational.
Why not see things from the other person’s point of view and correct misperceptions rather than be offended?
And here is an additional suggestion. A bonus, if you will.
10. It’s insane to expect bad people not to do wrong
Suppose that the other person is bad and hurt you deliberately. Why do you expect bad people not to offend you? You know such people offend others, so why should you be an exception?
Why expect bad people to be good to you?
A simple exercise
The next time you feel offended, go through these ten suggestions of Marcus Aurelius and see how to apply one or more of them to your situation. If you practice often enough, you’ll be less and less offended by people and situations.
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(Photo credit: By MM - Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=43425036)
060724
Excellent. Smiling ear to ear reminding myself to remember. Such wise responses. Brilliant!
Thanks Chuck.
Excellent and very timely. A work situation has been gnawing at me and these words of advice will help me put it into perspective.