Measureless living
To live a fulfilled life, live without a measure
Exchanging happiness for bitterness
John, a colleague of mine, was quite excited. His performance review was very positive, and he received a much bigger salary raise than he had expected. He was happy, and life was good for him. He insisted that lunch was on him.
I ran into him again the following day. He didn’t look so cheerful. I asked him what the matter was. He said he wasn’t much appreciated at work, which confused me.
“Didn’t you say you had a very positive performance review?’
“Yes, I did.”
“Didn’t you say you got a big salary increase?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Here is the thing. I discovered that Peter, who works with me, got an even bigger raise.”
“So what?”
“He is not as good as me. Besides, he is a slacker. If he got a bigger raise than me, my work is not valued much. It’s that simple.”
Yes, it is that simple to make yourself miserable today about the same things that you were happy with yesterday.
How can the same performance review and the same salary raise make someone ecstatic one day and miserable the following day when nothing in their life has changed? How does something that tasted sweet yesterday taste bitter today? Isn’t it strange? Yet, this is the way we react to things. We convert what we consider sources of happiness into sources of misery.
In John’s example, the source of his joy and misery is not performance evaluation or pay raise but his thoughts about them. As the Stoics point out, it is not the things themselves but how we think about them that create our happiness and misery.
People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them. - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 5
John had the same things when he was happy as when he became miserable. How do we get out of this trap?
1. Realize the stupidity of envy
John’s problem was he was measuring himself in relation to Peter. When we measure ourselves against others, we become envious if we come up short. Envy transforms happiness into misery and misery into bitterness. Instead of being happy with what we have, we become bitter about what we don’t.
Envy is the most stupid of vices, for there is no single advantage to be gained from it. It is pure loss and pure misery. - Seneca, On the Happy Life, 7
Treat envy like a virus that infects your happiness. We can quickly get rid of this virus by changing our thinking. As Seneca points out, our stupidity nurtures the virus of envy. Do we want to be stupid?
2. Focus on your needs
Why should we worry about others? If you have what you need to be happy, what difference does it make if everyone else has more?
Let us not worry about what most people do, but what is best for us to do, what will lead us to realize lasting happiness. - Seneca, On the Happy Life, 7
If you have what you need, it matters little what others have. If you don’t have what you need, others having less will not solve your problem.
The best way to live is without a measure when externals are concerned. If your inner values guide you and if you have what you need to be happy, what difference does it make if someone else has more?
When you look at another one’s life, remember that the good in his life does not diminish the good in yours, nor does it take anything away from you. Admire it, yes, but do not covet it. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.16
Take the focus off of others. Concentrate on what truly brings you happiness. If you consistently practice Stoicism, you will note that your happiness comes from your character and your reactions to things rather than from what others say, have, think, or do.
3. Use the situation to add to your joy
In the above example, John destroyed his own happiness by being envious of someone else’s rewards. He could have done it differently. He could have told himself, “Not only did I get a big raise, but my colleague Peter also got one.” Instead of feeling miserable, he could have felt even happier. Doing so has several advantages, such as,
You cannot change the fact that someone else got a bigger raise. Instead of mentally fighting it, you might as well accept it. You have no choice anyway.
You won’t feel a hidden hostility toward Peter whenever you meet him because he got a bigger raise. This will improve your encounters with him, make them more pleasant, and increase your sense of well-being.
Since you take joy in your getting a raise as well as Peter getting a raise, your joy will double instead of turning into misery.
Thoughts of envy harm us rather than those we envy. So by avoiding envy, we avoid harming ourselves.
Let envy be far from us, as we would distance ourselves from any harmful thought or action. It is a vice that grows and feeds upon our own bitterness. - Seneca, On the Happy Life, 17
So here is a situation over which you have no control. Wouldn’t it make more sense to use the situation to increase your joy than to kill it?
4. Practice living without a measure
When you measure yourself against others, remember you can always find someone who will do better in that measure. Bill Gates was the world’s richest man for a record 18 years. After him, the title was held by a few others. Bill Gates may never be the world’s richest person again. Should Bill Gates be miserable because of that, even though he can afford whatever money can buy? He would be if he measured himself against the richest person in the world and felt envious.
Do not envy those who seem to have more than you; rather, reflect on what truly brings happiness and peace, and strive for that. — Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5
This way, you live without a measure. If you do use a measure, it should always be in relation to you. Are you more virtuous now than before? Are you progressing towards your chosen path?
As long as your measures are only internal, you can live your life without a measure. A life without a measure cannot be taken away from you or hindered in any way and things beyond your control will not curtail your joy.
Try this simple exercise
Make a list of things you want in your life now. Maybe you want a bigger car, a bigger house, more money, or something similar.
Look at each item. Why do you want it? Is it something for a specific purpose, or is it something someone else has, and so you want it too? Would you want it if you lived where no one cared for it? Do you need it for your happiness?
You will see that most items on the list are there because someone else has them and they are unnecessary for your happiness. It is your measuring yourself against others that causes the problem.
Consciously start living without measuring yourself against others. You will begin to envy no one and resent no one.
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"To live a fulfilled life, live without a measure" is IMHO a good advice.
And after you scrapped all measures and comparisons, it's also good to appreciate what you have. :)
“If you have what you need, it matters little what others have. If you don’t have what you need, others having less will not solve your problem.” That was a slap in the face!