How to be your own best advisor

We are experts in advising others. Why can't we advise ourselves?

We all face life’s misfortunes

We all encounter misfortunes.

We save all our lives, and a major illness wipes our savings away. We build a long-term relationship with our partner, and they walk out on us. We put our heart and soul into our work and are fired.

We recover from such things sooner or later. We are alright for a while, and then it happens again. We face another problem, and we go through the same cycle again. We urgently need to fix the roof as soon as we pay off our mortgage. Sometimes, misfortunes come one after the other; sometimes, they all come simultaneously, sometimes infrequently, and sometimes in quick succession.

Even when our lives are relatively stable, they can occasionally be thrown off balance. Whether it’s being late to an important meeting or losing a loved one, dealing with a minor headache or battling cancer, enduring unpleasant weather or facing a major storm, unforeseen events can disrupt our equilibrium and test our patience. We lose our tranquillity. We worry, and we become anxious. We feel sorry for ourselves and complain that life is unfair.

We are good at advising others

These things happen to us as well as to others. But it always seems to us that our problems are more serious. If you live in China, your headache is a more severe problem than the wildfires in California. Others’ misfortunes, however severe, seem more bearable than ours, however mild.

We all have strength enough to bear the misfortunes of others. - François de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims

We are skilled at advising others who have problems, but we often fail to give ourselves the same advice.

When a friend breaks a cup, we are quick to say, “Oh, too bad. But these things happen.” - Epictetus, Encheiridion 26

The advice we gave our friend is quite sound. It points out that a cup is bound to break sometimes, which is in the nature of things. There is no point in worrying about the things that are bound to happen and are not under our control.

Yet when we break a cup, we are easily upset. Instead of accepting what happens to us in the same spirit, we complain and feel miserable. Even though we know how to handle misfortune, we fail to apply this knowledge to ourselves.

So, how can you be your own best advisor?

1. Know you have the wisdom

We don’t hesitate to give some good advice to a friend who may be distressed by a broken cup that may have been her favourite. Even if it is a more difficult situation, we don’t hesitate to advise others.

When someone else’s spouse or child dies, we commonly say, “Well, that’s part of life.” But when one of our own family members is involved, we say, “Poor me. Why did this happen to me?” - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 26

If we have the wisdom to solve other people’s problems, we certainly have the wisdom to solve our own.

2. Use the role reversal technique to use your wisdom

Even though we don’t have a problem advising others, when it comes to us, we imagine that we are in a situation that is too difficult. Why? We are not emotionally upset when we advise others and use our rational faculty to solve the problem. We find it hard to advise ourselves because we are emotional rather than rational about our problems.

To overcome this, we can use the role reversal technique. Say something unfortunate happens to you. Imagine that it has happened to your friend. She comes to you in a distressed state, seeking your advice. What would you tell her? Now, take that advice and apply it to your situation.

Act by everyone in the same manner as if you supposed yourself to be him and him to be you. - Hierocles, Ethical Fragments, 4

This role-reversal technique can be very effective. You already have the wisdom to solve your problem, but your emotional response often blocks your ability to see the solution. By reversing roles, you become the receiver of your own wisdom.

When you apply your wisdom to yourself, you become your own best advisor.

Takeaways

1. We have the wisdom to face life’s misfortunes.

2. We can access this wisdom when others are in distress, but not when we are in distress. This is because when others are in distress, we think rationally; when we are in distress, we are emotional.

3. So, when you face a problem, think of it as a friend’s problem. Think how you would advise them and follow that advice yourself.

Try this simple exercise

Think of difficult situations you were in. If your friend was in the same situation, what would you have advised him? Did you apply the same advice to yourself? Think of any difficult situation you are in right now. What would you advise a friend who is in a similar situation? Apply the advice to yourself. Keep doing this going forward.

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