Dealing with cares and concerns
Stoic suggestions for a calmer life
I ran into someone I hadn’t seen for a few months. I was surprised to find him much older. I didn’t want to tell him that but tried to find out if anything was the matter with him.
“How are you keeping?” I asked.
“I am ok.”
“Just ok?”
“To tell you the truth, I am physically okay. But many things in my life are not going right.”
“Such as …”
“Many things. My dad died recently. I suspect that my daughter is doing drugs. I said something that offended my boss, and I may not have my job for much longer.”
He went on like this for a while. His cares and concerns were getting him down.
It triggered my thoughts on our everyday cares and concerns. Is it possible to live without them? What had Stoics to say about it?
What gets us down
We worry about many things: how we have lived our lives, what is happening around us now, or what might happen in the future. Yet, we may not even be clear about why we are anxious. What is the cause of our worries?
Cares and concerns are mostly about the past or the future. They are about what has already happened or might happen in the near or distant future. We indulge in unproductive activities to control our past or the future. We review what we should have done and what someone else should have done. We keep imagining a future where we could run out of money or fall ill. Even when we think our cares are about the present, they are often really about the past or the future. You may be concerned about having enough money now. But your concern is really about the future: How you will get through the next few days or weeks. You may be concerned about your current relationship with your partner. But your concern is really about the past: What you should and shouldn’t have done.
All these useless activities use up our present moment, the only one we can be happy with.
How to get rid of cares about the future
What if we lose our jobs? What if our spouse left us? What if we fall ill? What if we miss the flight? What if we don’t have enough money when we retire? All such questions are anxieties about the future. We may be anxious about something that is about to happen (‘what if I am late?’) or something that may happen in the distant future (‘what if I run out of money in my old age?’). Such anxieties rob us of our happiness in the present moment.
True happiness is…to enjoy the present without anxious dependence upon the future. - Seneca, On Benefits, 7.2.
How do we get rid of concerns about the future? You may rightly argue that you should be concerned about the future. You may not save enough if you are not concerned about your old age. If you are not concerned about being late, you may not get to your meeting on time. Yes, we need to be concerned about what will happen in the future, but we don’t have to worry about it. The most important thing we can do to avoid worries is to identify what is and is not under our control first. Then, take action on what is under our control and deal with what is not under our control as and when it happens. Let me explain this with two examples.
Example 1. You are concerned that you may oversleep and miss an important meeting.
What is under your control here?
Maximizing the chance of your not missing the meeting is under your control. You can get up a few minutes before it is necessary to provide for unforeseen delays. You can set two different alarms, so if you miss one, you have the other. You can gather everything you need for the meeting to avoid forgetting anything at the last minute. Then, you can have a good night’s rest without feeling worried.
What is not under your control here?
There is a small chance that both alarms will not go off. Or you may sleep through them. Or there may be an accident on your way, and you may be delayed even though you started earlier. What then? Because these things are not under your control, they are nothing to you. Anxieties about what you cannot control can only make you feel miserable without doing anything to fix the situation.
Example 2. You are concerned that you may run out of money in your retirement.
What is under your control here?
You might want to increase your savings, invest your money wisely, or curtail unnecessary expenditures. All of this is within your control.
What is not under your control here?
Despite doing all you can under your control, you may not have enough in your retirement. Then what? You don’t control it and cannot do anything about it. Feeling miserable about it can only ruin your present without in any way changing the future. You don’t have to worry; you will see how to deal with the situation as and when it happens.
He suffers more than necessary, who suffers before it is necessary - Seneca, Moral Letters, 98
How to get rid of cares about the past
Cares about the past include what you should or should not have done, what should or should not have happened, things you have lost and so on. Unlike concerns about the future, where there may be a component of action to steer the future in your way (which may or may not be successful), worries about the past are meaningless. You cannot change the past, and it is 100% out of your control. This is so whether the past is one minute ago or fifty years ago. Whether you broke an expensive vase you bought in an antique store ten minutes ago or whether you had a bad childhood fifty years ago, both are over and done with. Do you want to throw away your present and future to correct something that cannot be corrected or brought back? You might as well wish you had wings or were Superman. It is not going to happen. Once you realize the irrationality and uselessness of worrying about the past, you can stop throwing away your present by being anxious about the past.
Use reason to get rid of cares and concerns
It is not that we don’t know these principles, but we keep putting things off and don’t demand the best of ourselves.
How long will you put off demanding the best of yourself? When will you use reason to decide what is best? You now know the principles. You claim to understand them. Then why aren’t you putting these principles into practice? What kind of teacher are you waiting for? - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 51
The present moment exists for us to ‘enjoy the festival of life,’ as Epictetus called it. We must eliminate our worries about our past and future to make the best use of our present. Once we realize that there is nothing we can do about the past and we have done all we can about the future, there is only one thing left: enjoy the present.
Takeaways
Our worries are mostly about our past or future, and neither is under our control.
The way to handle this is
Identity what is not under your control, and ignore it.
Identify what you can do about it that is under your control and do it. You have done what you could. Then, whatever happens, happens.
There is no point in worrying about anything that happened in the past. We cannot rewind and fix the past.
Regarding worries about the future, if you fear something, see if you can do something about it now. If you can, do it. Otherwise, let the future arrive as it will.
In dealing with worries, let reason be your guide.
Try this simple exercise
Think of something that you are worried about. It is usually about the past (I should have done this or that, if only I had done that, etc.) or about the future (I may lose my job, I will not have enough when I retire, etc.)
If you worry about something that has already happened, know that you can’t change it now. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do now to make it less damaging?” If there is, do it. You have nothing more to worry about.
If you worry about something that may happen in the future, again ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do now to make it less damaging if what I fear comes true?” If there is, do it. You have nothing more to worry about.
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