Dealing with annoying people

Don't fritter away your time in petty grievances

Feb 22, 2025

Most of us know one or more people who we find annoying. Sometimes, we have reason to be annoyed, and at other times, we try to find a reason why we find the other person annoying.

“It’s Peter. He annoys me.”

“What did he do?”

“Nothing in particular. I find him annoying. I can’t stand him.”

Such conversations are not uncommon. Some people bother us, and we respond sharply. Sometimes, we pass on our irritation to others we come across. The strange thing is that the person we are annoyed by doesn’t even have to do anything to annoy us. Their very presence annoys us.

What would a Stoic do?

1. Pause before reacting

We tend to think that the source of our annoyance is the other person. However, the person we find annoying may not be annoying to others. They may even be endearing to someone else. We are annoyed because of our judgment, and others are not annoyed because of their judgment, even though we are talking about the same person.

When we find someone annoying, we feel provoked and harmed. So, we often respond with irritation or even anger. But our impression of the other person is that someone is annoying and that we are harmed by it. If we pause briefly before reacting, we may see that the other person hardly meant any harm, and we find them annoying because of our temperament and past experiences.

When someone provokes you, if you respond with anger or some other negative emotion, your mind is tricked into believing you are being harmed. So, it is essential not to respond to impressions impulsively. Take some time before reacting. You will see you are in better control. - Epictetus, Encheiridion, 20

The best way to deal with annoyances is to stop responding on impulse. Step back, take your time, and then respond.

2. Think of your shortcomings

When we are annoyed with someone, we fail to see that someone else could see us as annoying. We are too quick to see the shortcomings in others but not our own. In reality, though, we may not be as perfect in other people’s eyes as ours.

It is more easy to discover the faults of others than to recognize our own." - Seneca, Moral Letters, 52.11

If someone annoys us, we can pause and reflect on our shortcomings instead of getting upset with them. Doing so will make us more tolerant and compassionate, not only towards the person who annoyed us but also towards ourselves. We may also want to remember that negative emotions directed at others harm us more than whatever they did to annoy us in the first place. When annoyed, we make things worse for ourselves by losing our equanimity.

3. Think of the nature of the other person

Are we upset because a fig tree does not produce oranges, and an orange tree does not produce figs? Are we annoyed that dogs do not meow and cats do not bark? Of course not, this is not because we understand it is in their nature: fig trees produce figs, orange trees produce oranges, a dog barks, and the cat meows. Why not apply the same logic when it comes to human beings? It is in their nature to do what they do.

It would be absurd to be surprised at a fig tree bearing figs. Remember that it is just as absurd to be surprised at the world producing what it produces. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 8.15

Just as nature follows its course, people will act according to their character and inclinations. You cannot make a dog meow and a cat bark; neither can we make an annoying person non-annoying. They all do what is in their nature. So, it is pointless to get annoyed by what others are.

The person who chooses to be annoying is a product of her circumstances. People choose negative habits through folly, never through wisdom.

Every creature is constituted to act according to its nature; indeed, each is impelled to do so. - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.2

Why be annoyed by someone who has chosen to be unwise, consciously or unconsciously? Given their circumstances, how else could they have acted?

When we assent to anger or carry a grudge in response to annoyance, it affects us negatively more than it affects the other person. We may become less charitable towards them, which makes us less virtuous. As we discussed, the annoying person is unwise and deserves our understanding, not our hate.

4. Think of its insignificance

Life is short. In a few years, we will be gone, and so will the people who annoy us. The event that created our annoyance is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. From this larger perspective, is it worth sacrificing our equanimity? Do you want to spend time cultivating your life or fretting about others’ shortcomings?

Do not act as if you were going to live ten thousand years. Death hangs over you. While you live, while it is in your power, be good. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 4.17

Why spend our time irritated by annoying people when we could use that time to be good and cultivate our life?

Takeaways

We are frequently annoyed with others. This disturbs our peace of mind. To avoid getting upset by others,

Pause before reacting.
Realize that just as we are annoyed with others, others may be annoyed with us.
Know that maybe the other person may not be able to react any other way because the can only act in line with his nature and experiences.
Remember that life is too short to waste wallowing in grievances about someone else’s behaviour.

Try this simple exercise

Recall a person who annoys you. Imagine they just annoyed you, and you are about to react. Pause for a moment and go through the following steps:

Ask yourself, “Is it possible that someone else considers me annoying?” If the answer is no, think harder.
Think of the person who annoys you. Think of it as their nature shaped by their genes and their experiences. They are annoying not because of you but because of how they are made. What’s the point in getting irritated about it?
Think about the shortness of life. Both of you will be gone soon enough. Do you want to spend your life irritated by this person or building a life worth living for yourself?

HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF STOICISM—AND AVOID WASTING TIME BEING ANNOYED

Become a paid member to get the most out of Stoic ideas such as the above. What do you get when you become a paid member? In addition to what you receive now, you will also receive:

Every weekday: Prokopton Daily.A specially written email containing thoughts for the day and an action plan.
Every Saturday: Prokopton Letter: Blog dealing with our everyday life.
Every Sunday: Prokopton Monthly: Lesson for the month, Exercise for the Month, and special articles spread over four Sundays.

Here is a sneak peek at what we’ll be discussing next week in our weekday emails for paid subscribers:

Monday: Only the educated are free
Tuesday: Our troubles are not outside of us
Wednesday: Only the present matters
Thursday: Work on your character
Friday: To achieve excellence, we have to work at it

I look forward to welcoming you!