Blend in when standing out

How to be different but not look different

What makes some people different?

Some people remain in our memory long after they are gone from our lives. I have always wondered why some people linger in our memory while others are easily forgotten. Occasionally, I try to look back to understand why. When I do so, I see that the people who continue to stay in my memory are not necessarily distinguished in any way, such as being strikingly brilliant, handsome, or accomplished. So what made them stand out?

Maybe they know how to live. But how do we live our best lives? Seneca advises Lucilius to “… put everything else aside and devote each day to becoming a better person” (Moral Letters, 5). But how? I understand better when I see a concrete example of someone living that way (or close to it) than when someone asks me to be a better person.

Let me tell you about a friend with whom I lost touch a long time ago. Yet, I remember him and wonder where he is now. What is special about him? Here is the strange thing: Nothing stands out about him. He did not dress, speak, or act differently from others around him.

I was re-reading Seneca’s Moral Letter 5, which provides some answers.

1. Why you shouldn’t call attention to the differences

When we learn something new or are on a path we think is different, we try to showcase our newfound wisdom. We try to talk differently and act differently. This can make people feel uncomfortable.

When you are on a different path than others, won’t your behaviour be different? Certainly. For example, you will likely think differently if you are a Stoic. What is important to you will not be important to others, and vice versa. While others may go after externals, you may think they are unimportant. You may wear good clothes but not attach any importance to them, while others may wear good clothes because they think they are important.

You do not need to distinguish yourself outwardly because you think differently. Doing so will only make others uncomfortable and may even make them hostile.

The first thing philosophy undertakes to give is fellow-feeling with all people; in other words, sympathy and sociability. We part company with our promise if we are unlike others. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 5

Our aim should not be to showcase our differences or to be contrarians. We should try to be better than we have been thus far and better than others if we can.

Let’s maintain a higher standard of life than that of the general public, but not a contrary standard. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 5

Looking back, I see how my friend did not set himself apart from anyone else, although I am certain now that he had a different view of life.

2. What is important is substance, not the show

What differentiates one person from another is not one’s outward appearance but the quality of one’s thoughts. So, to be truly different, we should emphasize how we think, judge, and act rather than outward appearances. We may even go out of our way to align our appearance and everyday behaviour with that of others. But our thoughts, judgments, and resulting actions will be different.

Internally, let’s be completely different. But outwardly, let’s conform to society. Do wear fine clothes. They shouldn’t be dirty, either. You don’t need silver plates with a crust embossed in solid gold. But, simply not owning silver or gold is no proof of a simple life. We should maintain a higher standard—not a contrary one—than others. Otherwise, we will scare away the very people we want to improve. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 5

Again, looking back, my friend was almost always agreeable except, on occasions, when things mattered to him: he did not give in and stood his ground. This generated no hostility in others because he was mostly agreeable. As Earl of Chesterfield advised his son,

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. — Earl of Chesterfield, Letters to His Son, 1774

3. Don’t be threatened if your ideas are challenged

We feel threatened if someone denigrates or challenges our philosophy of life. This is something that I noticed in my friend. He never changed his mind on things that mattered to him. Yet, if he was challenged, he seldom got into an argument. He was more interested in practicing his principles than proving himself and convincing someone that he was right.

Well, who is this person to pass such judgment on you? Does he know what piety or impiety is? Has he studied it? Where and from whom? - Epictetus, Discourses, 1.29

There are 8 billion people on this planet. Not all of them will agree with you. You cannot convince all of them otherwise, either. Your time is much better spent improving the quality of your thoughts and acting upon them than feeling intimidated by those with different opinions, no matter how misguided you think their opinions are.

The more we worry about protecting our thoughts from being attacked, the more vulnerable we become to unnecessary worry and anxiety, weakening the quality of our minds.

So, how do we follow Seneca’s advice to “… put everything else aside and devote each day to becoming a better person?” I believe we can do it by being as agreeable as possible with others while improving the quality of our thoughts and actions, focusing on substance rather than appearances, and not feeling threatened when challenged.

I believe this is what I observed in my friend, which made him memorable even years after he was gone from my life. He stood out by blending in.

Takeaways

If we are on a path guided by the quality of our thoughts, there is no need to advertise the fact or try to convince others to follow our path. It is best to be as agreeable as possible by:

1. Not calling attention to our differences;

2. Focusing on the substance rather than on the show, and

3. Not being threatened when our ideas are challenged.

Try this simple exercise

Are you on any path? It doesn’t have to be Stoicism. It can be anything you believe in strongly.

1. Do you try to convince others that it is a better path and persuade them to follow it too? If so:

   • Do you feel upset when they don’t care?

   • Do you feel frustrated if they don’t understand?

   • Do you feel annoyed if they make fun of your ideas?

2. If you answered “yes” to any of the questions, consider why you feel this way.

3. Think of not setting yourself apart from others in unimportant matters, but follow your rational judgments on things that matter to you.

4. Visualize getting along with everyone outwardly but following your path in matters of ethics without making a show of it.

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