A shortcut to making ourselves feel better
When we make others feel better, we feel better ourselves
Three “startling” discoveries
Laura Archera Huxley’s 1963 book You Are Not the Target opens with the observation that the more fortunate among us make three startling discoveries at one time or another.
Each of us has the power to make others feel better or worse.
Making others feel better is much more fun than making them feel worse.
Making others feel better generally makes us feel better.
They are “startling” only because we are too busy making ourselves feel better to notice the payoff when we make others better. Only the “more fortunate of us” discover these principles while the rest of us sleepwalk through life.
We live in a grasping culture. No matter how much we have, we want more: more money, power, fame, and possessions. We have no time for others; making others feel better seldom crosses our minds. We are too busy making ourselves feel better to care for others.
Paradoxically, making others feel better is easier than making ourselves feel better. Again, paradoxically, when we make others feel better, we feel better. Modern psychology also confirms that human connections rather than possessions lead to a flourishing life. But we don’t pay much attention to this.
What did the Stoics say?
Stoics were fiercely independent. They believed they could survive anything: prison, isolation, and exile. They did not need anyone for their survival. And yet,
No one can live happily who has regard only for himself and turns everything to his own purposes. You must live for your neighbour if you would live for yourself. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 48
If the Stoics were so independent that they could comfortably flourish in a lonely exile, why did they counsel against having regard only for oneself? The Stoic philosopher Hierocles put it this way:
We are stupid if we esteem one finger more than the five, but we are most reasonable when we prefer the five to one. The former despises what is more eligible, but the latter, in the five, also preserves the one finger. - Hierocles, Fragments, 2
If you are a finger, you will function better with the remaining four than all by yourself.
1. We are all interconnected
When we are about die, we are not likely to say, “I’m happy because I now have $10 million rather than just $1 million.” We’ll probably say, “I’m happy that I am surrounded by so many people who care for me.” When we are isolated, no amount of possessions, money, or power will make us happy. Our lack of material things will not ruin our happiness when we connect to others.
Hierocles asked us to imagine being in the centre of many concentric circles.
In the innermost circle is your mind, body, and everything related to your body and mind.
The immediate outer circle includes your closest relatives.
The circle surrounding it includes other close relatives.
These concentric circles are increased to include your community, city, province, and country.
The final and the largest of these concentric circles is the human race.
(Source: Hierocles, Ethical Fragments, 6)
We are connected to the entire human race through our relatives, community, and country, extending outward from us. Our world, country, community, and family affect us. Conversely, when we make them better, we feel better.
We are happy when surrounded by happy people and miserable when surrounded by miserable people.
What is good for the hive is good for the bee. - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, 6.54
When we make others feel better, we feel better ourselves. If we are all interconnected, as the Stoics believed, this is as it should be.
2. We can learn to make others feel better
We fail to make others feel better because we don’t realize that others do what they do for the same reason we do what we do: to be happy. They may be misguided, but they are similar to us in wanting the best for themselves. One way to see that others are similar to us is to imagine you are in their shoes. Then you will see that you behaved like them at some time in your life too. They are not that different. Even if they are different, you’ll be more understanding when you see them as you.
Act by everyone, in the same manner as if you supposed yourself to be him, and him to be you. For he will use a servant well who considers with himself, how he would think it proper to be used by him, if he indeed was the master, and himself the servant. The same thing also must be said of parents with respect to children, and of children with respect to parents; and, in short, of all men with respect to all. - Hierocles, Fragment 4 (Stobaeus)
Once we see the world from the other person’s perspective, anything we do will make them better. So, one way to make the other person feel better is to remember that we all do what we do for the same reason. It is more pleasant to make the other person feel better than worse.
Even when we love someone, we are too busy doing our own things to take the time to make them feel better. Once we understand that it is more fun to make others feel better than miserable, it will become easier to look for opportunities to make others feel better, making ourselves feel better in the process.
3. Making others feel better makes us feel better
For most of us, life is a zero-sum game. We assume someone’s gain is our loss. If we give to someone, we lose, and the other person gains. If we take the time to help someone, we lose our time, and the other person gains it. We tend to view everything as a business transaction.
However, personal transactions are not business transactions. Someone’s loss is not our gain, and someone’s gain is not our loss. When we make someone feel better, we don’t feel worse because of it; we also feel better. It is a win-win situation.
When should you start practicing? Any time you are with anyone.
Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness. - Seneca, Moral Letters, 95
Our lives get better when we understand others’ struggles and gently guide them to feel better.
If you see someone in grief, try to relieve them. If you see someone acting poorly, be a good example to them instead of being angry. - Epictetus, Discourses, 2.22
So, the next time you see someone who could use your help, when you see someone in distress, see if you can do something to lessen it. If no one needs your help and no distressed person is in sight, look at the closest people around you. Can you say or do something to make them feel better? If so, do it.
Takeaways
Making others feel better is fun. It is also a shortcut to make us feel better.
Stoics gave reasons why we should care for others.
We are all interconnected.
We can learn to make others feel better.
Making others feel better makes us feel better.
Try this simple exercise
Wherever you are now, if you find someone you know, see if you can say or do something to make them feel better. It can be saying a kind word to your partner, saying something to acknowledge the store clerk’s hard work, giving money to a homeless person, or saying something positive about a colleague’s work. Do a few such things and see for yourself. Try to remember to make others feel better in the future as well. You will see that life offers plenty of opportunities for us to make others feel better. You will quickly notice it is one of the simplest ways to make yourself feel better.
HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF STOICISM—AND MAKE OTHERS FEEL BETTER
Become a paid member to get the most out of Stoic ideas such as the above. What do you get when you become a paid member? In addition to what you receive now, you will also receive:
Every weekday: Prokopton Daily.A specially written email containing thoughts for the day and an action plan.
Every Saturday: Prokopton Letter: Blog dealing with our everyday life.
Every Sunday: Prokopton Monthly: Lesson for the month, Exercise for the Month, and special articles spread over four Sundays.
Here is a sneak peek at what we’ll be discussing next week in our weekday emails for paid subscribers:
Monday: Treat everyone with kindness and consideration
Tuesday: Do your duty
Wednesday: Don’t be disturbed when the ignorant judge you
Thursday: Treat your subordinates the same way you want to be treated
Friday: Be generous and liberal with irrational animals
I look forward to welcoming you!
Stoic practice has the power to change your life.
If you are not yet a part of the prokopton community, please consider becoming a paid member.
It may be one of the best decisions of your life.
250125
A wonderful reminder. It is always better to help lift someone up than to push someone down, especially in today's age of increasing negativity and unkindness.